We’ve all heard stories about the dreaded in-laws: the mother-in-law tormenting the future bride, trying to undermine her all the way to the altar; the father-in-law interrogating the sweating groom, who is obviously not good enough for his daughter. Although these stereotypes are thankfully rare, in-laws are often difficult to deal with especially when it comes to shoe-horning them into the wedding. They want to be involved; you don’t want them involved but equally don’t want them to hate you.
Here are some ways you can make your in-laws feel like a special part in your big day and avoid the dramatic fall outs or awkward conversations.
Before the Wedding
Pre-wedding Outings
To open up the lines of communication and cultivate your growing relationships, start with inviting both sets of parents on some of your pre-wedding outings, such as finding the dress, picking the venue, or food tasting. They can be very helpful when you hit an indecisive snag. If you give them two choices you honestly like, then letting them pick the option used is a win-win for everyone. This gives them bragging rights when their choice for the cake flavour is gushed over during the reception, and you get a delicious cake.
But be careful! If you already know exactly what you want, consider inviting them to a dress fitting or a finalizing of the menu appointment – rather than the initial meetings. Another great idea to get the in-laws out of your hair for a day is to send them off to a wedding show. This ensures that they’re miles away from you and if you provide them with strict instructions just to browse, you’ll hopefully have a day of peaceful planning ahead.
Rehearsal Dinner
Moving from partial input to full control can sometimes be a tug of war game for brides and expanding family, but the rehearsal dinner is one area where you can loosen up your control a bit. Traditionally, the groom’s family hosts the rehearsal dinner so feel free to let them be in charge here.
Letting your future in-laws have control over this piece of the celebration gives them their own planning to focus on and means they aren’t getting under your feet. All you need to do is supply them with a guest list and let them decide on what kind of celebration to throw.
During the Wedding
Unity Candle
During the wedding, there are customs that can include both families in the ceremony. The unity candle can be an intimate part of the ceremony and is a great way to get close family and friends involved. The candle symbolises the love and support of the two families going with the bride and groom into their new life.
Typically, there are candles that are lit by a representative of each family; though it can also be done that every family member lights their own candle. Whatever way you decide to it, a unity candle is a powerful symbol of love and support – anyone given a role in this part of the big day should be honoured.
Scripture/Poem/Song
Another traditional customs, and way to get your in-laws involved, is to let someone read a piece of scripture during the wedding service. Even if you’re not religious there are many parts of the Bible where the wording is powerful and fits with how you feel. Just arrange it with the person taking the service in advance and ask one of your in-laws if they would be kind enough to do a reading.
If a reading from the Bible is really not something you want in your wedding then an alternative could lie in the shape of a poem. Maybe you have a favourite poem that you’ve had memorised since you were thirteen; or you may not have even considered the idea until you read this post. Whatever your poetical background is, there is definitely a poem suitable for your wedding out there – even if you have to write it yourself. Once again this is an excellent way to get your in-laws a starring role in your bid day.
Some in-laws may have musical talent, and you may be able to ask them to perform a special song during the ceremony. If they’re a songwriter as well perhaps commission a short song for your special day, otherwise I’m sure you can think of a song that means something to you and your other half that they can sing. Using your in-laws’ talents may be a way to add a unique stamp onto your ceremony.
Remember
Every set of in-laws are different. Some may be happy to sit in a reserved front row seat and that’s it. You certainly don’t want to see your father-in-law nervously stuttering through his reading of a scripture. Talk to your groom’s parents and your parents about what role they see themselves playing in your wedding. Be open to their suggestions then offer up your own. This will give them the opportunity to pick what role they are most comfortable with.
Keep in mind that this may be the day you’ve dreamed about all your life, but odds are, so have both sets of parents. All parties have expectations of how it’s going to go, and they won’t be exact copies of yours. You never know who is going to give you a spark of inspiration for your wedding day. Even though it’s your big day, you still want to make the important people in your life and your groom’s life feel essential in making this day perfect.
{Image from Marianne Chua Photography}
